


Chances

by theremin



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 15:41:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22258663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theremin/pseuds/theremin
Summary: Set after the finale (but disregarding the extended documentary).
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 49
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

Richard looked at his phone. 1AM. Kind of late. Maybe he should have sent a text. But then, what was he supposed to write? There were also a lot of missed calls and messages, including a few from Ron LaFlamme. Fuck that, he was the lawyer, he could take care of whatever it was. Richard had done the press conference denouncing his life's work earlier that day, he was fucking done, he didn't have anything more to give. He knocked briskly, waited, then pulled down his hoodie. No need to like, look like a juvenile delinquent at the very least. He raised his hand to knock again and then the door opened, and Jared was on the other side, looked sleepy and confused. He had on his pajama bottoms, a long white top with a V neck that exposed his elegant neck, the hard lines of his clavicle. His normally pristine hair stuck out in a few directions.

"Richard?" he said, tilted his head, confused.

"Can I uh come in?" Richard asked. Jared smiled mildly, nodded, stepped aside. Richard walked in, looked around. Jared's condo was really a reflection of the man, straight laced and beige with touches of the uncanny. Jared locked the door.

"It's so late, Richard, is something-" 

Richard grabbed a hold of his shirt, spun him around, got up on the balls of his feet and kissed him. He pulled at Jared's shirt until he was flush against him. The kiss was inelegant, hard, and Jared made a "mmffggggh" kind of noise against his mouth, long arms flailing. Richard pulled away, swallowed down a gasp, then leaned back up to kiss him again, but Jared stopped him with firm hands on his shoulders, but only for a moment, then he leaned down, tilted his head for a sweeter kiss, wrapped Richard up in his thin arms. Richard licked at the seam of Jared's lips and he parted them, took Richard's tongue, and Richard's hands were still hard in the fabric of Jared's shirt, pulling him close. 

"Uh," Richard said when they came up for air. "bedroom."

Jared just nodded. Richard just pulled him by the shirt into the bedroom, full caveman mode, but Jared followed eagerly. Richard crowded him to sit down on the bed and one of Jared's large hands came up in Richard's hair and he leaned in for another kiss, and Richard pulled up Jared's top until they reached his armpits and then his bottoms down enough to free his dick and wrapped a sweaty, trembling hand around it. Jared gasped and Richard leaned over him, hand working erratically, sucking at his neck. He tasted good, he smelled good. 

"Oh, Richard, I-- uhh--" 

Jared was pale, he bruised easily. Richard bit down a little on his throat. He wanted it to be all purple and blue in the morning, shuddered a little at the thought. Jared was holding onto him hard, moaning in a stuttery kind of way, and then he thrust hard into Richard's hand and came. He breathed hard, held onto the back of Richard's head in kind of an awkward hug, Richard crouching over him, Jared half dressed, for a few moments. Then he sat back a little, and Richard stood back up, looked at him. Jared pulled his top off and wiped Richard's hand off with it gently, sweetly, with a little smile on his lips. Then he pulled his bottoms all the way off and sat there, naked, in front of him. He was really... like, obviously he was a skinny dude, anyone could tell, but he was so slight. He looked like any pressure could make him break in half like a candy cane. Jared started pulling on Richard's hoodie and the hush that had come over Richard evaporated and he helped tug it off, stepped out of his jeans, fell over him. Jared made short work of his T-shirt, spread long fingers over his back, then down to the elastic of his underwear.

"Jared uh, can I, can I uh"

"What, Richard?"

"Well um. Can I fuck you?"

"Oh, hell yes," Jared said, had a weirdly familiar intense look in his eyes. 

Richard pulled away to reach into the pocket of his hoodie, he had actually thought far enough ahead to bring condoms. Jared started rifling through the drawer in his bedside table. He tossed the lube over to Richard and he tried catching it but he didn't really have like the catch things gene, so he just flailed a little with his hands and it fell down on the mattress, but Jared had already turned around on his stomach so it didn't matter. After roughly fingering Jared, which - felt fucking nice, actually, but Richard was probably going to die of heart failure if he didn't come soon, so as soon as Jared replied to one of his "um, enough?" questions with an affermative "uh huh" and raised himself up on his knees he slipped on a condom with trembling fingers, kneeled inbetween Jared's long legs, spread out for him, took his dick in hand and slowly started pushing in. He bit his lip so hard he tasted copper, grabbed onto Jared's skinny hips. 

"Oh god, oh Richard, oh goodness," Jared started babbling and Richard started thrusting, slow at first and then quicker, harder. He vaguely noticed Jared shifting to brace himself on one hand and used the other to jerk himself of. Like, just the sound, was hot, this was all like, insanely good, Jared was all tight and warm and perfect around him and like, audibly, visibly into it, and Jesus Christ Richard deserved this, deserved just one fucking good non miserable thing happening to him. 

"Richard," Jared said in a broken voice and gasped and groaned and kind of slumped forward a little, and Richard came, gripping hard into the white flesh of Jared's hips. 

When they disentangled themselves Richard felt a little disorientated. Like, should he just leave, should he - what was the like, the procedure in these situations. But Jared solved it as usual, flopped over on his back, beamed a warm smile and opened his arms. Richard smiled back and crawled into his embrace. That felt fucking nice too. He had his head on Jared's arm, rested his forearm on his skinny chest, right where it concaved, his fingers playing at the bottom of Jared's throat. Jared's hand came up to rest on Richard's arm.

"We fit," he remarked. "like puzzle pieces."

"Heh, yeah." Richard looked over at his neck. He was already beginning to bruise.

"Oh, Richard, this is - well, what a surprise. I never - I never thought this would happen."

"No?"

"Well, I hoped," Jared admitted. 

"You should have like, made a move." Richard wondered what it would have been like if they'd managed to get together early in the game. Like, maybe actually have a real relationship. Going by his track record they would have broken up within weeks, Jared would have refused to ever speak to him again and Pied Piper would have failed even sooner.

Jared laughed softly. "I tried. Maybe I should have been a little more aggressive."

"Sorry I didn't like text, or uh..."

"What brought this on?" Jared turned his face to look at him with very blue eyes.

Richard shrugged. "Like, nothing matters anymore. My life is over anyway, might as well uh. Do whatever." Jared frowned a little.

"I think that's a little harsh, Richard. Your life is not over. Just a small part of it."

"A small part that's going to pollute every single other part, yeah."

Jared stroked Richard's hair. "I love you, you know."

"Yeah," Richard sighed, leaned in and kissed him. It was a good kiss, sort of sultry and slow and like, emotional. He'd reached up enough to touch Jared's jaw with the tips of his fingers.

"How are you for money, Richard?" Jared asked.

"Money?" Richard frowned. "Uh? Like, I have savings. I... I don't know. I should be good for a year, maybe two."

"Can you keep your apartment?"

Richard snorted. "No. That's a CEO apartment, not an unemployed with no prospects to ever be employed again apartment."

Jared leaned in, touched his nose to Richard's. "You can stay here," he whispered. Richard didn't answer. "It could just be temporary, until you're back on your feet? Or... well, or I could make room for you." Jared smiled. "Your things. Your books. Your clothes. We could paint the walls a new color. Make it ours."

Richard smiled. Jared was already nesting in his head. He suddenly wondered if this had been a cruel act. He maybe hadn't given it enough thought. As if he'd given it any thought. "Sounds nice."

Jared beamed. "Oh, Richard. Oh, I... oh, I know things must feel hopeless right now, but you are so brilliant, so wonderful, so singular. You'll get through this stronger than you've ever been. And I- it would just- be my honor to be by your side. My privilege. In any capacity. You know that."

"Come here," Richard said, and Jared grinned, turned and leaned in and they kissed and kissed.

Richard didn't sleep. He hadn't slept in days. He was getting used to it. But it was making him go a little weird, like... to the point of taking a Lyft across town and jumping your former COO and one of your very few remaining friends. Jared was fast asleep though. His head was tilted away, one hand resting next to it, the other slung across his skinny middle. Richard smiled to look at him. He was like, he was like a good looking guy, in his own way. Or maybe it was just the fact he was an actual real life good fucking person and that just made him good looking. He wasn't sure. If that was the case Richard had to be king of the goblins. He knew he was a shitty person. Not as shitty as like, Mark Zuckerberg, but shitty. He didn't deserve Jared, and Jared sure as fuck did not deserve to be saddled with him. He lightly, lightly stroked Jared's hair with a curled hand. Jared smiled a little in his sleep. Then he got up, quickly and quietly dressed, and slipped away into the night. The night air was bracing. He called a Lyft and it took him to the train station where he picked his backpack up from the locker he'd left it in after he'd suddenly got Jared on the brain, and then took the train to the airport. He sat by the window, looking out over the city he wasn't sure he'd ever see again. The sun was beginning to rise. His flight was three hours away.

Richard felt shitty about a lot of things and had for the past several chaotic days. But the thing that hurt the most, the thing he felt the worst about, was that Jared had clearly taken what had just happened as a beginning, when really it had been an ending.


	2. Chapter 2

Richard hadn't exactly wanted to die. He just didn't see the point in existing. In a way, he stopped doing so. He deleted all his social media accounts, even deleted his email, stopped using a smartphone and didn't give anyone his new number. For two years he travelled the world, mostly in South East Asia. He'd gone to the monestary Erlich had stayed at in Tibet, looking for him. But Erlich was long gone, having cashed out his Pied Piper shares and fucked off for pastures new. However Richard ended up staying and the simple life, with its simple rules, had brought him back to reality in a way. He helped with the cooking, he learned how to haggle for barley, he even milked a fucking yak. He left Tibet with two gifts. The first, a new perspective, an acceptance for the things he could not change and the determination to change the things he could. The second, a Sak Yant tattoo on the back of his neck. Richard had been honored by the ritual, and felt that while communication may have been limited (apart from with the younger monks, who had picked up a lot of English on their visits to the town internet cafe to play Fortnite), he'd found a real community there, within the monestary walls. The lesson that he could be still useful might have been simple and a little obvious, but it had nevertheless been a revelation.

And he decided to go home. 

First he'd gone to Tulsa, reconnected with his family. He'd bought a laptop and started coding a little again. Just little things, tiny github projects or fixes, little CSS tricks. He liked it as much as he ever did. After a few months he accepted an invitation from Big Head to stay and try to find a job in SF. He'd bought a new house and while he'd given up on his incubator idea, he still liked to have people around. "But like, it's better when you know them," he said with a haunted look on his face. "some people are really fucking weird man."

Richard had hoped his name would be forgotten and getting an okay job wouldn't be too hard. 

From literally hundreds of job applications, he only got a handful of interviews. He meditated, he visited the buddhist temple in SF, it helped him grit his teeth together and keep fucking applying. 

"It sucks," Big Head told him one night, they were watching some horror movie projected onto the wall. "like, you're a genius, and you can't even get a basic programming job?"

"My name is mud in this city," Richard sighed. "I should probably just give up. Go back to Tulsa maybe, join the Geek Squad or just like be a sys admin in some piece of shit little office."

"No man, don't leave," Big Head said. "you can stay for free here for as long as you like."

Richard smiled. "I'm going to have to go back to work eventually."

"Why? Work sucks," Big Head said. He had by some bigheadian chain of events ended up the president of Stanford University. "we're hiring a new Tethics professor, man the interviews are the most boring thing I've done in my whole life. Like, I just peace out."

"Tethics? Seriously? That bullshit?"

"Yeah."

"I mean, it's like literally important, so fucking important, to have ethics on the IT curriculum, and it's like tainted by that idiot Gavin Belson and that... stupid name!"

"It's important?" Big Head said. "I just thought we made it a subject because Gavin donated a bunch of money."

"Of course it's important!" Richard said. "Look at the fucking state of the world. If the people making the services we're all fucking dependent on maybe thought twice about the harm they're doing, or potentially could do, a lot of things would be very different. I mean, that was my dream." He sighed. "You know. Pipernet. The new internet. I just wanted it to be... different. Like safer, more private, less about shallow stupid bullshit. I didn't just want to make money while the bodies piled up, like Zuckerberg or Bezos."

They were quiet for a bit. Nicholas Cage fought a big dude with a chainsaw on screen.

"That's the first time you mentioned Pied Piper since you got here."

"Yeah."

"I've been kinda avoiding the subject."

Richard sighed. "It's okay."

"Have you like, spoken to Jared?"

Richard pressed his lips tightly together. He'd spoken to Monica a few times on the phone. He'd gone to visit Dinesh and Gilfoyle in their new offices. But no, he had not spoken to Jared. He shook his head.

"You guys were like, super close."

"I kind of uhh..." Richard wasn't sure how to finish that sentence. Showed up in his apartment and fucked him and then left while he was asleep dreaming about playing happy family? "I kind of... didn't leave it on a great note."

"Oh. I'm sure he's forgiven you. Like, it's Jared."

Richard smiled a little. "I'm not so sure, Big Head."

Big Head reached for the folded up laptop on the coffee table. "We could look him up on Facebook. I haven't logged in in like years but-"

"No! Uh, no. No, I, no. Like, leave it. Please."

"Um, okay." 

He didn't think Jared had forgiven him. But even if he had, he'd have moved on. Probably found someone new. And the thought of Jared... he wanted Jared to be happy, but Jesus Christ, he did not want to have to look at it. Facebook pictures of a boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe a baby. What if he was fucking married. It made him want to throw up. He crossed his arms, pushed his back into the sofa, stuck his jaw out, focussed on the screen. Nicolas Cage had started a descent down a grotto under a church. Good shit.

"Hey, Richard?"

"Mmm?"

"You kind of said some of the same things the people I interviewed for the Tethics job did. But like, better."

"What?"

"Like, I could like, understand it when you said it." Big Head smiled at him. "Why don't you take the job?"

* * *

Richard... liked being a teacher. He felt like a huge fraud the first couple of years, but he soon started to take pride in his qualities. He was a good public speaker, he had that from the Pied Piper days. He was genuinely interested in the subject. He was a decent writer and had a fun, profile-raising sideline in pieces for Wired, MiT Tech Review and other outlets as well as his research and articles, and one of his books even managed to get lucky enough to get published during Mark Zuckerberg's criminal trial and found an audience well outside the congregation. He'd actually managed to rehabilitate his reputation and his google hits. 

Life was okay.

Outside of work, things weren't too exciting. He still hung out with Big Head a lot. He got a dating profile and went on a few dates, but nothing ever seemed to stick. He developed an interest in photography and his one bedroom apartment was decorated with large prints of his favourites of his own work. He started a side hustle with a former student developing software - after he worked out some bugs she'd been struggling with she'd offered him a partnership, and the arrangement suited him. He hiked. He gamed. Some times he'd see happy couples and feel a pang. To his knowledge, only one person had ever loved him like that, unconditionally, enthusiastically, devotedly. And he'd loved that person back, in his own repressed, constipated, stupid way. And he'd treated him like shit. It was funny. He didn't have a problem thinking back on the Pied Piper disaster. It had been a huge grief at the time, he felt like his whole life was over. Now it was just... a thing that had happened, that he felt like he'd handled as well as he possibly could under the circumstances. But Jared? That pain seemed to never dull at all. Karma. 

Eight years after his night with Jared, he looked out of the car window. Sarah, his business partner, was driving. Her whole thing was developing lowkey, useful software. She didn't want to be the boss of anyone except herself so she wasn't at all interested in huge projects or ideas like Pied Piper. She just wanted to code and make enough money off her software to make an okay living from it and not answer to anyone. Some times people, mainly men, made fun of her lack of ambition but Richard thought she had the right fucking idea and he wished he'd had the same attitude when he was her age. She'd now developed, with Richard's help, an easy accounting system for the caregiver industry, and they were on their way to an assisted living facility, a client, to set it up on their computers and give the employees training. Usually Sarah did this shit on her own but this was a larger client and a bigger job than usual and he'd agreed to come along. 

"I hope the people we're going to train aren't a thousand years old as well," Richard said. Sarah was playing some- Ariana Grande shit or something in the car. It sounded like garbage. Richard liked young people, a lot more now than he'd done when he was a young person himself, but their music was complete shit.

"Training should be pretty breezy, they picked out an employee to be a superuser and he used to work in tech."

"Oh? Well, that's promising," Richard said. 

"Yeah. I spoke to him on the phone, he seemed super nice. His name is Jared Dunn."


	3. Chapter 3

The sound from the highway was just so fucking loud, all the cars driving by at top speed. The smell of the exhaust fumes stung in Richard's nostrils. His hand was against a fence and Sarah's hand was on his back, rubbing circles. He spat.

"You done, or is there anything left down there?"

"Uhh uh."

"I take it you know this Jared guy?"

"Umm maybe I have a virus. Maybe just drive me home."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Please. I know you. Classic Hendricks stress reaction."

Richard thought about it. He couldn't really deny knowing him if he was going to meet him. The editing room of his mind started desperately patching together a version of the truth that didn't make him look like a complete dick.

"Uh, we used to work together. We had a falling out. He uh, he actually shot me once, with a BB gun."

Sarah looked amused. "What did you do?"

"Do? What did I- what did I do? To deserve being shot at?"

"What, he just came to work and shot you unprovoked?"

"No, I came to his house- like, I called his little girlfriend googly-eyed." Richard shrugged.

Sarah laughed. Richard's face heated up, the attempt to paint himself as the good guy was kind of going wrong.

"What? Like, uh, you think that was an appropriate reaction?"

"Well, you can be kind of, um, blunt. When was this?"

"Like uh. Like eight years ago."

"Well, I'm sure he's simmered down. Maybe just, if he has a photo of his kids up, don't call them ugly little turds."  
Richard knew she was joking but he still doubled over and retched.

Sarah parked and Richard wildly looked around and there, by the entrance, was Jared. Jesus fuck he hadn't changed at all. Still tall, gangly, neat Lego haircut. He waved. Richard wore a checkered button down shirt. He wished he had one of his old hoodies to hide in. No, scratch that, he wished he looked like, good. Like... prime Robert Redford good. Like he'd magically got hot over the last years instead of older and more tired-looking. He wished he looked like the kind of guy who just walked around breaking hearts left and right as a matter of course, not like a weaselly little rodent man who had aged like milk and treated the extreme minority of people who against all reason liked him like trash.

He got out and walked alongside Sarah. He looked up, biting his lip, and Jared's eyes went large and round with surprise. His mouth fell open. Up close he looked a little older. A little greyer. A little frayed around the edges. But in a good way. Like the feel of a worn in shoe.

Sarah reached out a hand, and Jared composed his face into a warm smile and shook it. "Hey, I'm Sarah, we talked on the phone."

"Jared! Pleasure to meet you!"

"And um, my partner Richard tells me you two have some history."

"Yes, um. Hello, Richard. Long time no see." He stuck out his hand and Richard weakly shook it. It felt weird as hell. Sarah elbowed him, and he winced.

"Uh, hi, Jared."

Jared tilted his head. "So, are you romantic partners or-"

"Strictly business," Sarah said, laughing. Richard was annoyed. Technically, he could have a young, attractive girlfriend. Technically. Like, it wasn't laugh out loud ridiculous. Another professor had gotten quietly fired last year for having an affair with a student and generally being a bit gropey, and that dude looked like hell and was way older than Richard.

"I read your book," Jared said. Richard stared.

"You did?"

"Mmhmm," Jared said, nodding. "well, shall we?"

They followed him inside. The home was sort of aggressively cosy, had quilts on the wall, little framed bon mots. Lots of wooden furniture.

"Your software has a really good rep in the industry. We share tips on Facebook, you know, and everyone who's tried it are really pleased with, both the program and the support."

"Oh, that's nice to hear!"

"And it's so nice to support a startup by a young woman of color!"

Richard closed his eyes tight, embarrassed.

"uhh, well, thank you, mister Dunn."

"Jared, please! So, how did you two meet?"

"I took Richard's class a couple of years back. I knew he'd been in the industry and I was struggling with another program I'd written, so I asked him if he'd take a look and the next morning like, the perfect commit was in my inbox. So I figured I'd shoot my shot and ask him if he wanted a cut in exchange for the occasional troubleshooting and brainstorming session. I don't want like, staff, but it's really helpful having a second person to look over stuff and discuss things with."

"Yes, you teach now, don't you Richard? I read that in your little, author bio."

Richard felt stupid. The picture he'd used on the flap of his books was from his travelling years, a selfie from some Asian mountain, he wore a backwards baseball cap and sunglasses and he was unshaved and smiley. At the time he'd thought it was cool, that it made him look outdoorsy and rugged, but the less he looked like that guy the more he felt like a huge fucking poser. He'd probably gone a little overboard on the bio too. He'd even quoted the Buddha. Oh god.

"Yeah" he mumbled. "Stanford."

"Good for you," Jared said.

Sarah gave Richard a look, and he cleared his throat. "So uh, you uh, changed careers too huh, how are, you?"

"I'm happy," Jared said. "I love working with the elderly. It's very meaningful work."

"Cool. Uh good. I'm uh glad."

They thankfully reached the offices. Sarah and Richard got to work installing the software on the computers Jared indicated.

"So who are we training?" Sarah asked.

"Just me for now," Jared said. "I thought we could do it in my office."

"Uh go ahead," Richard mumbled. "I'll um define the parameters and uh." He brought up a command terminal on his laptop, started typing. He felt stupid and terrible, but in a way it was really fucking nice to see Jared looking so well, so happy and adjusted. He looked good, handsome, comfortable with himself. Like, whatever he'd been doing the last eight years, it like... suited him. He wished things were different and he could tell him that. He'd read his book, huh? He assumed he meant the one about online privacy and ethics that Zuckerberg inadvertently put on the non fiction bestseller list. He wondered if he'd liked it. He hadn't said. That was definitely on purpose. After 45 minutes he was pretty much done and definitely sick of waiting and knocked on Jared's office door. Sarah and Jared were laughing at something. Richard's eyes darted around. No pictures of kids.

"I'm ready," Richard said.

"Yeah, us too, really," Sarah said. "we're just talking shit now." She got up. Jared followed them outside, and gave Sarah a hug. She reached up into it and Richard grimaced. Okay? The fuck?

Jared turned to Richard. "it was nice seeing you again, Richard."

"Yeah man you too" Richard said in a high voice, started walking backwards.

* * *

Big Head had a girlfriend now, Tracy. She wasn't the uh, the brightest bulb, but she was sweet and patient. She also had a kid from a previous relationship. God, they were getting old. Girlfriends with kids. So they didn't see each other quite as much anymore. But Big Head was also Richard's oldest, closest friend, the guy who had seen him at his most pathetic and ragey and annoying and treacherous and well, still liked him, and the only person alive he felt comfortable talking to about this and he needed to fucking talk. He texted to ask if now was a good time and got a _sure man :)_ back so he went over.

"Hey," Big Head said, looked pleased to see him. "wanna like order a pizza? Watch a movie?"

"I uh," Richard said, then he choked up and just kind of sobbed and Big Head looked a little horrified but to his credit opened his arms for one of their very rare, awkward and stiff hugs and Richard leaned down into it. Soon he was sat on Big Head's nice, comfy leather couch, blotting his eyes with a piece of kitchen roll.

"um sooo what happened?" Big Head asked, looked uncomfortable.

"I saw Jared," Richard said.

"Oh," Big Head said. "um, did you like... fight?"

"No." He sighed and leaned back. "We were polite. Or, he was polite, I was like..." Richard made a face and gestured.

Big Head looked a little lost. "Okay," he said.

"Uh, we uh, we slept together."

Big Head's eyebrows nearly hit his hairline. It was the most animated Richard had seen him look in more than two decades of friendship. "What? You and Jared? Now?"

"No uh. Right before I left to go travelling. The night before, in fact."

"Umm, okay."

"Like, I knew, he had like, a thing for me."

"Huh. We always thought you were the only one who didn't know."

Richard knotted his eyebrows together. "Wait, we who? Who are we?"

"You know. The guys. Gilfoyle. Dinesh. Jian-Yang."

"Jian-Yang?!"

"Yeah we talked about it. But only like, when you weren't in the room," Big Head said reassuringly. Richard stared.

"Uhhh. Well. Uh. Well, I was kind of messed up, you know, right after Pied Piper shat the bed, and I'd sold the apartment and put my stuff in storage and ordered a ticket for Beijing... and like, I was just, going to spend the night at the airport because uh I didn't have anywhere else, and I thought, like... I started thinking about him and like the way he... and uh... I was going on no sleep here... and uh... well I thought, I want it, he wants it, might as uhh might as well? So I uhh. Went over. And it wasn't like a totally selfish, uh, I made him come, like, twice."

Big Head made a face. "Yeah okay, I don't need all the details."

"And when he uhh fell asleep I um, I left."

"Ohh," Big Head said. "oh, man." He looked like he thought hard. "Well, when you saw him, did you say you were sorry?"

"What?"

"Like, that's what you do if you act like a dick, right? You apologise."

"No I- I didn't know I was going to see him, and Sarah was there and I wasn't like, going to go into all that in front of her!"

"I think you should apologise," Big Head said thoughtfully. "that was shitty, Richard. Dude was like... devoted to you."

"I know," Richard said.

"Is that why you're so upset? You feel bad?"

Richard took a deep breath. "He looked really good. I just, I kind of had this weird... feeling, like I just... like there was this whole life I could have had, with him, if I hadn't been so messed up and scared and confused. If I wasn't me, basically. Ha." He sniffled.

"Do you want more like, uh," Big Head asked, holding the kitchen roll up with his thumbs like a human paper dispenser. Richard tore off another piece.

"He loved me, Big Head. And I uh. I think uh I loved him, too. And Jesus Christ it feels like... I still do. Like no time has passed at all. But I mean, he hates me now, I'm sure. Or like worse, he just doesn't give a fuck." 

"Oh, man," Big Head said again. And then again, because he didn't know what else to say, "oh, man."

* * *

Richard felt like getting some fresh air. He downloaded some articles he needed to read to his iPad, stuffed it in his laptop bag alongside a notepad, a pen and his wallet and phone and left his office, went off campus to find a coffee shop that wasn't like, full of students. He walked down a street with a decent selection and saw, through the window of one of them, Sarah sitting by herself. He smiled, walked inside. He felt like seeing a friendly face. They weren't like, super close - she was too young, it was kind of weird she used to be his student - but they were friendly, always had nice conversations. She could be a little, er, sassy, but genuinely respected his knowledge and experience, which felt cool.

"Hey, kid," he said. "can I join you?"

"Oh, Richard! Um, I'm waiting for someone, actually?"

"Cool, I'll keep you company til they get here," Richard said, sitting down. "new beau?" He wasn't sure why he spoke like some fucking, Newsies, Stephen King character when he talked to her sometimes. She kind of brought out the dad in him. 

"Umm," Sarah said, then looked up.

"Hi, Richard," Jared said, standing over them and looking confused. "I didn't know you'd be joining us."

What in the whole fuck. Jared? Sarah was meeting Jared? What was this? Business? NON business? Oh, fuck that! Yes of course he liked them both and wanted them both to be happy bla bla bla but not with each _other!_ There were millions of people in this fucking city! Like, pick any other card! Richard stared a little maniacally at him. 

"Yeah, I am," he said.


	4. Chapter 4

"What do you think you're doing?" Sarah asked, leaning across the table and staring accusingly at Richard. Jared was over by the counter, getting their orders.

"What do I think I'm doing, what do you think you're doing?" Richard hissed back. "He's old enough to be your dad!"

"Oh my god!"

"He is!"

"With all due respect, Richard, what the fuck is it to you?"

"I'm--"

"Here we are," Jared said, distributing their coffees. "you still take it black, right, Richard?"

"Mm yeah. Uh. You remembered." Richard tried to smile winningly. He wasn't entirely sure what that looked like on his face, but he tried.

"And a cappuccino for the lady!"

"Thank you," Sarah said, with what was a genuinely winning smile. Richard was pretty sure he didn't look like that. She tucked some of her black hair behind her ear. Richard jerked his hand up and stroked back his hair too. Jared gave him a kind of weird look. 

"We didn't get much of a chance to talk the other day," Jared said. "how have you been?"

"Um, pretty good," Richard said. "I mean, I'm good. I teach, I write, I code a little on the side, hehe."

"What about- are you married, are you..."

"Ummm no, no, uh, still, just me. I turned forty in March. I uh I guess that train kind of passed me by," Richard said. He looked at Jared, tried to make it like... meaningful. Jared looked down. "you?"

"I'm not with anyone either." Richard felt a weird fluttery feeling and swallowed. "I had some bad experiences," Jared said, turning his face to look at Sarah. "and it made it hard for me for a while. But my resolution for the new year is to put myself out there more. Meet new people. I still have hope. I don’t think age particularly matters."

"And what are you hoping for?" Sarah said. She leaned forwards, with her chin on the back of her hand. 

"Someone who won't play head games," Jared said. "someone trustworthy."

"I could not agree more," Sarah said. "like, honesty is free, why is that so hard for some people?"

"Right," Jared said. "or people who take advantage of you just because they can." He shrugged. "I don't get it."

"Well umm," Richard cut in. He tried to put his chin on his hand too but somehow managed to miss, flailed his hands a little bit and tried to make it look on purpose. "there can be a lot of reasons why people do the things that they do and uhh like nobody's perfect. Like, we've all done shit we regret, right?" 

"Oh?" Sarah said, amused. The flirty body language evaporated and she was back to her leaned-back talking-to-Richard style. "Have we? Now I'm curious."

"Um, well-" Richard winced. He hated this conversation. He'd really just wanted to sit there and cockblock quietly, like, like an urn with a dead parent's ashes. But this was getting personal and weird and he still couldn't get a handle on what Jared made of it all. "you know, just uhh. I have, maybe not treated uhh... people... persons... in, individuals, as well as uhh maybe uh umm uh I should. Eurgh. Have. At some point."

Sarah rolled her eyes. Jared's hand came up to his collar and fumbled a little. 

"Um, Sarah, there's something I wanted to ask you," he said.

She smiled. "Mmm?"

"Well, I've started a new program at the home, trying to get more of the residents online, and I need volunteers and mentors. I thought it might be extra special if I could get someone from the industry! It might get us in the local paper, get more people interested."

Richard frowned. Teach octogenarians how to use e-mail and read the news without clicking on all the ads? Sounded like a fun day in hell. He noticed Sarah's smile stiffen. She cleared her throat. "Oh, Jared, I'd really love that, it sounds uh so rewarding, but you know, I run my own company, I really don't have the time." Richard grinned. Honesty is free, huh? 

"I'll do it," Richard said. Jared turned to look at him with very round eyes.

"Oh- uh-" Jared looked a little flustered.

"Yeah I'll uh, I'll do it, former CEO, published tech writer, Gavin motherf - uh, Gavin Belson professor of Ethics in Technology at Stanford University, hey, I'm industry, baby!"

Jared looked like he thought pretty hard. Then he smiled a little bit. "Thank you, Richard. I really appreciate it."

* * *

Richard stood leaned down beside his car in the home’s lot, looking at himself in the car mirror. He had genuinely tried to look as neat as he could but he didn’t have all that much to work with. He turned his face, wondered if his nose really was that big, and how he hadn’t noticed in the last four decades.

“What are you doing?”

Richard jumped and looked up at Jared, who was giving him a quizzical look.

“Oh, just uh, making sure uh I look okay.”

“You look fine,” Jared said. “come on in.”

Jared walked quickly with long strides and Richard struggled to keep up. Unfair tactic, he recognised it from the old days on the rare occasions Jared was mad at him. This was their first time alone together in eight years, and he had to do it like he was running on a treadmill? 

“I got donations for equipment, I’m afraid it’s a little bit of a mixed bunch, but the tasks I envisage are quite simple,” Jared said. 

“Okay”

“Email, basic browsing, Facebook, Twitter if they’re interested.”

“Facebook, seriously? You want me to teach people how to use that hellsite? Get more angry old people on it?”

Jared looked annoyed. “You know, most of these people don’t see their family very often, maybe not even once a week. Maybe not even once a month. It’s a way for them to keep up with kids, grandkids, friends they’re too frail to visit in person. I know you don’t agree with their business practices but it genuinely is a lifeline for many users.”

Richard really wanted to argue that bullshit point but he also really wanted to not piss Jared off so he swallowed. “Yeah, you’re right, of course.”

Jared almost looked surprised. “Um… yeah. Well, I’ve got four sign-ups so far and they’re all pretty engaged and ah, all there, so you should be okay.”

“You won’t be staying?”

“No, I’m busy,” Jared said. “I’m chairing the bridge tournament.”

“Well um...can I join you for lunch after?”

“I have plans,” Jared said.

“Oh.” Richard looked down. “Okay.”

“But uh – come by my office when you’re done – uh – and you can fill me in on how it went. Well, here we are.” Jared opened a door and there was a small room with desks and six PCs on them, and four residents chatting and drinking tea. “Hey guys! So, here’s Richard Hendricks, the Stanford professor! He’ll be leading our first workshop, where we learn how to use e-mail!”

*

“And what do we call the man who owns Facebook?” Richard asked.

“Mark Fuckerberg,” the residents replied, chuckling. 

“Exactly, and why do we hate Mark? Owen?”

“He facilitated the genocide of the Rohingya minority,” a man in a sweater vest replied.

“He sells all kinds of personal information on users to advertising giants,” a woman with short, white hair said.

“He refuses to do anything about false political information and got Donald Trump elected,” another woman said.

“He’s a jew?” the last guy in class suggested.

“Uhh uh, no,” Richard said. “not that. Um. No. No points for you, Gordon. So what are we gonna use instead? To look at uh baby pictures? What service does your kids and grandkids actually use?”

“Snapchat,” the group replied. 

Jared quietly walked inside, stood at the back. Richard met his eye. “Okay so uh I think that’s all we had time for today uh, so next time remember to bring your smartphones and pads, and don’t worry if you don’t have them, because we’re going to install a little program called Bluestacks.”

“In the command terminal?”

“That’s right Betty! Very good!”

“Hey guys,” Jared said. “um, did you all learn something?”

“Oh, yes,” the short-haired woman said. “the computers were very slow so Richard taught us how to install Linux on them. Do you know what a tarball is, Jared?”

“Oh, that sounds quite, advanced, I thought you were just doing e-mail?”

“We did,” the guy called Gordon said. “we all got protonmail accounts, because I sure as hell don’t want someone called Sundar Pichai to read my letters!”

“Okay,” Jared said. “um, do you want to come into my office, Richard?”

Richard closed the door behind him. “Well, they were a little less racist than I’d feared, so that’s good,” he said. 

“Installing a new OS, really?” Jared said, sounded amused.

“Those computers are pieces of shit, one of them took ten minutes just to boot up. Like, they’re useable now. And don’t worry, I chose a desktop that looks like Windows, anyone can use it.”

Jared grinned. “Richard Hendricks. You don’t do anything by half.”

Richard smiled back. “I had a nice time. Same time next week?”

Jared nodded. “Great. I think I might sit in on that one. I might learn something new myself.” He tilted his head. “Can I ask you something, Richard? Something personal?”

“Umm, yeah, man. Go uh ahead.”

“What on earth is that on the back of your neck?”

Richard laughed. He unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt and pulled his collar down in back. Jared walked over for a closer look. “It’s a Sak Yant tattoo. I got it in Tibet. This design is called Gao Yord. The pillars represent blessings. It’s to ensure a happy and prosperous life.”

“What kind of blessings?” Jared asked. Richard felt his fingertips lightly trace the design on his skin. 

“Oh you know, being able to vanquish my enemies, be successful at work, be popular with the opposite sex...” Jared’s fingers stopped but still rested against his neck, warm and firm.

“Do they work?”

“Um well, I-”

Jared’s office door opened and Richard jumped away, embarrassed. In the door opening stood Sarah. “Am I interrupting something?”

“No,” Jared said. “Richard just wrapped up his first workshop.”

“Aww,” Sarah said sweetly. “how nice. Well Richard, I’d invite you along for lunch, but my reservation is for two, so… shall we?” She stuck out her arm and Jared took it. 

“Well, I’ll see you, Richard,” Jared said.

“Yeah uh,” Richard said. “see you.”

He watched them walk down the corridor. He hadn’t really had a great plan with all this, the volunteering, it had been kind of spontaneous – but he realised a part deep down had hoped, with a terrifying fervour, that if he could just spend some time with Jared, reconnect, maybe he could have a second fucking chance. A chance to set things right. A chance to explain. Above all, a chance to make Jared happy, and like, to make himself happy in the process. He really had been delusional. Sarah was attractive, confident, and like twenty fucking five. He couldn’t compete with all of that. She was like an Olympic archer and he was a dude with wooden hands playing darts. 

Richard rested a hand at the back of his neck. He’d go up to the buddhist temple and pray. He hadn’t been for a while. But it was a practice he always felt gave him perspective. And he could really, really use some right now.


	5. Chapter 5

_"Nam myoho renge kyo."_

Richard wasn't sure how long he and the other acolytes had been chanting for, but the monk finished the chant and for a few moments they simply sat in silence, in lotus position. It had taken Richard a little bit of adjustment to be able to take the SF version of buddhism as seriously as the experiences he'd had in Tibet, which had felt very profound, but meditation and chanting were legit the only things he'd ever tried that actually worked to quiet the noise of his mind, so he got over himself, admitted to the fact he was a spiritually lost white guy too, and treated the cheerful monks with Tibetan names who were probably really called shit like Matt and Annie with the same respect he'd had the brothers at the monastery. 

The buddhist centre had a little vegan cafe and after the chanting Richard ordered himself the day's special, a smooth lentil curry, and ate alone and quietly. He didn't feel like looking at his phone or a book or anything. He felt focussed and present. He needed to figure out this fucking thing with Jared before it drove him nuts. If you love something, set it free, the saying went. Richard had never subscribed to that. If you love something, keep it close, chain it up in the basement, buy a gun in case someone tries to take it from you. But. If that something doesn't love you back... loves something else. 

Well. Then it's not fair to keep clinging on to it.

* * *

A few days later Richard had just finished the morning's lectures, and the rest of the day was set aside for the office. He walked down the hall of his building when he saw Jared and Sarah walking together, towards him, smiling and chatting. He swallowed down, then waved. Jared looked at him and smiled a little, waved back. Sarah nodded. She was probably annoyed with him, she hadn't been in touch for a while, she usually sent him an email every other day at least.

"Hey um. Guys," Richard said, bit his lip. "um, Sarah, could I see you in my office for like, won't take a minute."

"I'm going home anyway," Jared said. "bye, Sarah. This was fun."

He reached down for a hug and Richard took a deep breath, watching them. He could do this. He owed it to Jared, to Sarah, maybe even to himself, even if it sure as fuck didn't feel like it.

"What?" Sarah asked when she sat down opposite Richard's desk. Richard smiled a little, sat down. 

"I just uh, I just wanted, to apologise for the way I've behaved. You're right, it's really none of uh, of my business. I hope uh I hope you and Jared are happy. You uhhh you make, an attractive couple." He swallowed down. See, he could do this... this fucking bullshit. He could.

"We are just friends, you know," Sarah said. "the only reason he's here is I was invited to talk about my company to some students as part of the startup programme and thought it would be interesting for them if I brought an actual client with me."

"Just friends?" Richard asked. "But you've been uh. Coffees. Lunches." He mimed a hug.

Sarah laughed. "Not gonna lie, Richard, Jared is a sweetheart and I think he's cute, when he asked me out I thought, yeah, I wouldn't mind climbing that tree." Richard pressed his lips hard together. "But all he ever wants to do is talk about you."

Richard grimaced. "What?"

"At first I thought it was like, because you're the main thing we have in common, right? But nah. I think the only reason he asked me out in the first place was to ask about you and he hasn't shut up since. What are you like to work with. Are you getting enough iron in your diet, like I'd know. Do you listen to birdsong when you write your books, like Emily fucking Dickinson. If he bought a humidifier for your office, would I give it to you and say it was from me. Which I would absolutely not. I mean." She shook her head. "No offense, but you're not that interesting to me. And I don't know what you guys' deal is but I have no interest in being in the middle of it."

Richard stared at her. Then he got up, walked around his desk. "Okay, yeah uh, like ummm, yeah I need to," Richard said, rushed out the office. He started running. He was... a bad runner. God, how big was this fucking building. He ran down the hall, down some stairs, down another hall, through a group of dawdling students, agh, and out, and looked around wildly, and well thank god Jared Dunn was a tall ass man because he was walking along campus as visible as a goddamn lighthouse, and Richard turned and ran and finally he caught up to him, slapped him on the back. Jared jumped and turned. 

"Richard?"

"Yeah uh," Richard said, hands on knees, panting, swallowed down bile. "uuuuuuh!"

"Oh goodness! Are you okay?"

"Yeah uh," he got up, shrugged, "fine, fine! Uuuh."

"Did- did you have something you needed to tell me?"

"Yes. Yes, I do. Uh. I, am, fucking, sorry." Richard stared. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Like, the way I left that time, the way I walked out on you, it's the dumbest fucking thing I've done in my life. I regret that more than anything I ever- like, Pied Piper, everything that happened there, like, whatever, but that? God! I'm fucking sorry, Jared."

Jared's eyes were round and his lips were parted. Well, not being laughed at or told to get lost was encouraging, Richard decided.

"And like, I need you to know, I just - I uh. I love you." Richard scratched his head, looked flustered. "I fucking- I never told anyone that before. Or maybe I did, I can't remember, if I did I certainly didn't fucking mean it. But I mean this. I love you, Jared Dunn. I've loved you for years and like uhh if you'll give me a chance to prove it I'm uhh. I'm yours." He swallowed, spread his arms out in a gesture he instantly regretted and looked up at Jared with what was probably very palpable terror. "Well um uh? What uhhh, say, ye?" He bit his lip. "I mean, you can think about it, uh, if. Uh."

Jared stared and Richard felt suddenly very conscious of who he was and what he was offering. He was a middle aged, underweight, twitchy nerd with a big nose and greying hair and a lot of weird single person habits. Some times he ate ice cream in the shower. In terms of deals, he wasn't in the million dollar class. More like some pocket change, a soggy breath mint and lint. But it was what he had to give. 

Jared moved towards him and for a moment Richard felt like stepping back, like Jared was going to hit him, but instead he took Richard's face in both hands and kissed him. 

Richard whimpered a little with relief, wrapped his arms around Jared's waist and kissed back with all he had. It wasn't a very elegant kiss, it'd been a while since he'd kissed anyone at all, he wasn't used to having to tilt his face up like this and he'd never had, uh, tons of great feedback on his technique, but it was heartfelt and raw. He tightened his grip around Jared's waist. His body felt the same.

"Get it, professor Hendricks!" some guy called out and Richard broke away a little, mouth red and bruised.

"Um, students. Ugh. Uh, do you wanna, uh go up to my office?"

"No, Richard," Jared said.

Richard's face fell a little. "Okay."

"I want us to get in my car and go to my place. Or yours, depending on which is the closest."

Richard nodded and Jared took his hand and he grinned, walked quickly to keep up with Jared's stride. There were some catcalls, but he ignored them.

Richard's apartment was only ten minutes away, so ten minutes later he locked them in with shaky hands. Jared looked around, curiously. "This is nice," Jared said. 

"Thanks uh," Richard said. "um, do you want the tour? I'll uh. Or should we just..." he took Jared's jacket, hung it up on a hook. "or should we just like, talk?"

Jared smiled, touched a finger to his chin and looked around like he was thinking, then shook his head, and pulled Richard in for another kiss.

They did talk, of course. Later. A lot. And there was some crying too. At one point Jared actually slapped Richard, which didn't really hurt at all, Richard just yelped with surprise, and then Jared gasped and covered his mouth with his hand and begged for forgiveness so profusely it made Richard laugh. They ordered Thai food and Richard told him about the food he'd had in South East Asia and promised to cook for him. Jared asked him to tell him about his tattoo again and Richard whispered each blessing into Jared's neck, sealing each one with a kiss. 

Hours passed. Years had passed. But when Jared was underneath him, skinny and flushed, hair entirely out of place, palms clammy against Richard's as he rode him slowly, it was like no time had passed at all, no hurt and mistakes and wasted days. It really did feel like a second chance.

*

Richard woke up. Something was- wrong? He suddenly remembered, looked around. He was alone. A cold fear gripped him and he swallowed. He pulled on his underwear and walked out into the living room- and there was Jared, sitting cross-legged on Richard's sofa in his T-shirt and boxers, face shaded in with dark stubble, watching a morning show and knitting something grey.

"Oh, there you are," Richard said. "fuck uh."

Jared smiled. "I'm an early riser."

Richard sat down next to him and leaned in and Jared tilted his face and they kissed, dry and close-lipped. Jared grinned.

"What's uh, that you're making?" Richard asked.

"Well, originally it was going to be a jumper for myself, but I thought I'd make you a cardigan instead. Since you said your office is a little cold." Jared suddenly looked embarrassed, stopped knitting. "Uh, I mean, only if you... want one. I can unravel it, if you think it's a little too much, or-"

"Thank you," Richard said, smiled, rested a hand on Jared's thigh. "I'd love a cardigan."

* * *

TWO YEARS LATER

Richard yawned. He was a little jetlagged. He'd been to London to give a key note at a conference, and a guest lecture at the LSE. Both events had been full and five people had asked him to sign their copies of his book, so he basically felt like a rock star. Like David A. Huffman. Going to the UK had been fun, but it was really just a brief work trip so he hadn't had any time to unwind or go sightseeing. He'd only landed an hour and a half earlier, he hadn't even been able to stop by his house and felt a little gross. But he perked up when the taxi made a turn into Newell Road, and smiled big when he saw the camera crew and most importantly, the old gang, collected in the front yard. He couldn't see Jared though? 

"Hey, guys," he grinned when he got out of the car. He hugged Monica. He hadn't seen her in years. She looked fabulous. DC clearly agreed with her.

"Richard! Congratulations on the engagement!" Monica said. 

"Shotgun wedding?" Gilfoyle asked. "Did you get him in trouble?

"Ha, uh, ha. Funny. Um, thanks, Monica," Richard smiled. "yeah I thought I'd uh... lock it down. Haha."

Jared's work car pulled up, and he stepped out. He looked a little overwhelmed already. He hadn't seen the other guys in a while and had been very excited about the whole reunion thing, seeing the house again, seeing everyone, but when he walked towards them he beelined for Richard. 

"Hey, man," Richard smiled. 

"Hey man," Jared said in a choked voice. His eyes darted around at the others and he made one of his about-to-ugly-cry faces. 

"Are you okay?" Richard asked.

"Yeah," Jared said, composing himself, and hugged him close. "I haven't seen you in forever."

"You saw me last weekend," Richard said. He pulled away from the hug and briefly kissed Jared's mouth. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Gilfoyle giving the camera a sideways glance like he was on the fucking Office. Well, he could choke.

"Hi! You look great!" Monica told Jared and reached up into a hug.

It was a really fucking nice day. They had their little reunion, the camera crew were pleased and said they'd be in touch, then they all went out for a meal and drinks (well, Richard and Jared caught up with them after they'd dropped Judy off at her daughter's place), talking about the old days, telling each other where they were in life. Around midnight Richard, who had been on his feet all day and spent the previous night on an airplane, could barely keep his eyes open and there were more hugs and promises to not let as much time pass until the next time they were all together. In the passenger seat of Jared's work car Richard had his arms crossed, his eyes closed, and was half asleep, leaning his head against the window. Jared was driving, Sarah McLachlan played quietly. 

"Tonight was so wonderful, oh my gosh, Richard," he said.

"Mmmmm," Richard sighed.

"I used to say the Pied Piper years were the best years of my life. Yes, they were crazy, stressful, and intense, but they were wonderful too, because of those amazing people. I loved every minute."

"Yeah," Richard yawned. "I know what you mean."

"But you know..." Jared paused a little. "I think I'm even happier now. Being with you."

Richard opened his eyes a little, looked over. "Yeah," Richard said, smiling. "same here."


End file.
